My First Time Webcamming

The first time I took a chance at webcamming was back in 2012. I was married, self employed and debt free. I had a t-shirt company that was supported with cash only. But, I was quickly running out of it, because my husband was spending it all.

I was already taking phone sex calls, but somehow it still wasn’t enough and I didn't want to go broke so I decided to up the ante by applying for MyFreeCams. He didn't know about it. My original plan was to be a non-nude model, because on their about page, it was clearly stated that models could be non-nude. I felt like this was a golden opportunity to be flirty and build a fun following. I wanted to secretly be successful as a non-nude model and just show up with the money. It was a thing of, keep it quiet to keep the negative non-believer energy away, if that makes any sense. I felt like if I just showed up with funds, then I could tell him and he’d suddenly support me for once. God, I was so hopeful.

I applied to be a model, and while I waited for my approval status I decided the best way for me to learn the ropes, would be to watch a couple of models. You know, to get a feel of what I needed to do - sort of like a self-guided training situation. 

Some models were fun to watch, others simply bored me. What I did notice while I watched; was that no matter what they were doing, whether interacting with customers, dancing, or simply sitting there looking through their phones; they were all being tipped lovely. I wanted in. Not all of them got naked, and they were still being tipped. I watched new models, I watched seasoned models. Their rooms were full and they were getting paid! With that, I knew this would be easy. I have a bubbly personality so surely the customers would like me, right? WRONG.

Once my profile was approved I immediately plotted on broadcasting that night. My plan was to broadcast regularly at night; a time when I thought more men would be online. I'm not a night owl, but it seemed like a sensible thing to do. That night I made up my face, put my curly wig on and dressed in my cutest outfit. I went online and smiled. Ready to type and be cute. Talk to men and get to know them. Have an open discussion and build these relationships by making these men trust me during their lonely times. And my tactic worked. Men came to my room and talked with me, a few asked me to take my clothes off. Some even asked if I wanted to go in a private session. I had no idea what that was, so of course I declined. After all, I was new to this scene. I really wanted to be like the girls I'd seen online during my “training period”. Not one of them went into private shows. I wasn’t even sure what would happen in a private show if I accepted it. The thought of going into a private show creeped me out. I was so nervous about it, I thought I was going to shit on myself. Like really, what would happen if I’m in a private show and my husband wakes up, comes downstairs and I’m caught in a compromising situation. This quickly began turning into oh shit; am I cheating on my spouse versus making extra money for the family? I felt quite bad. I didn’t log off though, instead, I stayed on. Hoping for a great turnaround or turnout if you will. 

Well honey, I was online from sun down to sun up and only earned a nickel. Yes. You've read that right. One nickel. I felt like a dumbass, but, I refused to be deterred. I immediately turned it around in my head to help me think of it more on the brighter side. I figured it was only the first night and if I just continued to broadcast, I would eventually build more trust and relationships and the money would soon follow. I needed more fans, I needed more men and women alike to like me. I turned my camera off and proceeded to log out of my account when I received an email. I clicked on it curious of its content. In the email a man wrote to me; "Honey, you're gorgeous and all but if you want to make some real money you need to learn how to take your clothes off. I've watched you all night, you only made one nickel. You're Black, sitting there talking and being cute isn't going to earn you any money.” My heart sank. I was crushed. I wanted to cry. I wasn’t comfortable with being naked at that time. Here I am, a married woman, wholesome girl, built my life on following rules, carrying myself with class, I'm educated, and this was what I was resulting to. Honey, I went through the motions. I felt like the bottom of bottoms. Ashamed. I thought, how on earth did we get here? I was employed as a Marketing Rep, built a t-shirt company, and somehow I’m here, being guilt tripped for not taking off my clothes. I felt gross. I needed a shower. I don’t think I even responded to him. I just sat there, thinking, and thinking. 

Simply feeling defeated.

Suddenly it dawned on me (no pun intended); all that “precious” research I thought I was doing, only pertained to White women. I had inadvertently only been watching White women. I hadn't taken a peak at one single Black woman's room. Honestly, I hadn't thought about it being a race thing until I read that email and reminisced on my so called research. I was merely watching all the women who were on top, on the first page. Looking back, that says a lot. 

Needless to say, I felt like a fool. I felt like a failure, hopeless and dirty. I said to myself this webcamming shit isn’t gonna work after all. You need to just go get another job. And then I became angry and thought how dare he say that to me. As if getting naked is my only option. But in my heart I knew he was right. It was that funny feeling labeled as "the truth” that gut instinct settling into my belly that consumed me. And I had no one else to blame for not being 1,000% sure that what he was saying was true, because I hadn’t taken the time to find a Black woman’s live stream to see for myself. I needed to find out though. But not in that moment. I was tired. I had responsibilities to tend to as a wife and mother. 

I finally logged out of MFC and ended up going on a hiatus for at least a year. There was no way in hell I would take my clothes off as a married woman. I needed a break to figure things out. I needed to go back to the drawing board on figuring out how to earn more money, quickly. I decided to stick to simple phone sex calls until I could find another steady vanilla job. 

Approximately five months later, I was in the middle of a uncontested divorce.  

Oh...Let the games begin, I guess. I thought. 

Original date: May 27, 2020